For a few frightening moments last night, I entertained the quivering thought that I might actually have to watch Big Brother this year - of my own free will. Then contestant number four roared in to the house, and said thought was impaled on her heels and throttled to death by the remnants of my brain.
For the last time, EVAH, here is a rundown of the Big Brother contestants. Don't worry, from this posting onwards, I shall not be reporting on happenings - unless someone finally gets murdered in there.
81 barely animated (mentally, that is) carcasses dressed themselves up and stood on bleachers in Elstree Studios hoping that a camera would point at them, thus signifying that they had been chosen by Big Brother to be ritually humiliated for a possible 13 weeks. Panning across the accumulated mass of desperation, we had a Mr. T lookalike; a little person; a gurning cross between Noel Fielding and Jimmy Cranky; blonde twins that both looked like the lead singer of McFly (presumably Tipp twins John and Patrick); a pensioner; several cost effective Jordans; and too many blondes to pass comment on. Tannage was in effect and the average age was 23. Now, set your jaw to "slack" and follow me.
Contestant number 1 was Josie Gibson, a 25-year-old horse enthusiast from Bristol. She lives in a cabin on her aunts farm. She once got duped into drinking petrol when she awoke with a hangover on holiday. She went from being a quiet sort to dry riding the air with aplomb at the top of the stairs. Her first words into the house were "Oh my God. Oh, what a randy mare."
Contestant number 2 wasSteven Gill, a 40-year-old bionic inspiration of a man. Steve was partially blown up by a car bomb during his time in the Specials Forces up North. He lost both his legs and his right eye. He hasn't let that stop him, though. He gets around with the aid of two metal legs and got a custom made black glass eye to make him "look like a pirate." He has sailed around the Atlantic and gives motivational talks to amputees in places such as Afghanistan. He has a phobia of crowded rooms; unfortunate given where he's headed. He's won already.
Contestant number 3 wasBen Duncan, a 30-year-old writer/broadcaster who started getting booed by the crowd before his VT aired - probably because he looks like a dehydrated Hugh Grant in a navy velvet blazer. During his tape, he said "I'm an elitist as opposed to a snob", but he made a recovery with "I'm always lacking friends, so I make up for it with mannequins" while stroking two dressed up dummies. The first thing he said upon entering the house was "God, abandon ye all hope who enter here... It's some sort of prison designed by Boy George?!"
As I mentioned earlier, anything resembling interest on my part was quashed with the unveiling of contestant number 4.Rachel Whiteis a 23-year-old hair stylest/professional Beyonce lookalike, who refuses to cook. When asked if she would feel threatened by other attractive female housemates, she said something along the lines of, I don't think it's possible for anyone to be more attractive than me. She checks herself in the mirror in excess of 50 times at day to "check if I'm still hot." She has never been faithful to any of her boyfriends. The first thing she said upon entering the house was "This is crazy.... and guess what, I was booed as well!"
Contestant 5: Nathan(I gave up on surnames at this point, thankfully too as a number of them were exceptional in length), a 26-year-old, tall Northerner who's proud of his 6.5 inch unibrow. He loves cooking (a bonus for Rachel). He insists he's crafted from twisted steel and sex appeal' (I should mention he's a joiner by trade), and chose to wear bet on Capri pants for his TV debut. The first thing he said in the house was: "That is amazing, I can't stop laughing. Get some booze on!"
Contestant 6:Dave, a 39-year-old Friar Tuck lookalike, who stopped the booze and drugs 18 years ago in favour of getting high on God. Himself and his fellow Christian Ministers regularly enjoys Heavenly intoxication events and holds Bliss Bashes in his house. Clearly uses continuous cackling as a defence mechanism. He used to be a postman before he found God. The first thing he said upon entering the house sounded like "CHICKABOOMBA". But a fellow contestants, when seeing him, said "Cheeky monkey", which makes a smidge more sense. It might also be worth mentioning that most of the 81 housemates knew each other to an extent as they'd spent a few days together prior to last night's launch.
Contestant 7: Token Irish bird alert - 22-year-old Caoimhe from, like, Dublin. You know, like. She's a student who wants to be, like, remembered for something. I'll remember for, like, the rest of the day as someone who momentarily reminded me of brunette Brigit Nielson. She spent two years in Spain, and was removed from her job and her home within three weeks for being loud (read: loud, annoying and possibly inept). She said she fancies girls even though she's never been with one; faux-lesbianism - the final refuge of the chronically unimaginative. Once through the door, all she kept saying was "Oh my God". Beyonce didn't look happy at her arrival.
Contestant 8: Govan, 21, voluntary worker. He likes to "read and do artsy stuff". He likes being silly and funny. Never had relationship with anyone . Doesn't like arrogance. When asked if he had "anything else" to say, he announced: "I've got a huge dick." First thing he said upon entering the house: "I've got jelly kegs."
Contestant 9: The Noel Fielding/Jimmy Cranky lookalike, a 24-year-old "film maker"/workshy f*ckwit called Shabby. Herself and her crew do arts reviews for The Guardian. She says things like "Who would want to work nine-to-five" (um, plenty of people, idiot) and "In five years time I want to the darling of independent film." She hurls herself around like an attention starved infant playing dress up. She also claims to get a lot of "poontang". Unsurprisingly, she's a squatter.
Contestant 10: Ife(pronouced Iffy, which is apt), a professional dancer with a "posh accent for a black girl". She was given to a white family by her mother when she was still a baby. She's a professional dancer/singer but isn't a wannabe. She has a rake load of trophies and has recently danced on the X Factor behind Cheryddll. No idea what she says when she enters the house, invariably something vacuous.
Contestant 11:BEYOND BORED NOW. OK,John James, a 24-year-old blonde Aussie who thinks he's "unique", while also thinking he looks "like David Beckham". He changed his name to Achilles in his quest to be different. He's a vehicle body builder. He doesn't like doing housework. He is waiting for his "big break." If he was female, he would've been booed into the house, instead, he's cheered. The first thing he says once in was: "F*CK ME... It's the wizard, it's the wizard!" *points at cackling Friar Tuck*
Contestant 12: This yoke is beyond reprehensible. Her name is Sunshine (she changed it all by herself), she's a 24-year-old medical student, who owns a Chihuahua and a wanky car powered "by fairy dust." She likes "sticking crystals" to all her possessions, like her medical ID badge. She got daddy to buy her another car by pretending the one run on fairy particles was broken. Entering the house has in effect ended her medical career before it's started. The first thing she said when entering the house: "What just happened?! These are coming right orf!" *grapples with shoes*
Contestant 13: Just when you think the perception of the female entrants couldn't possibly sink any lower; the most tanned, cut price Jordan gets picked. At 29, Corin is the eldest female housemate, but she thinks she could pass for a 23-year-old (version of Sophie off Corrie). She's a retail assistant. She has size 'E' breasts which she suggested are "real." We can't hear her VT as she's talking over it, asking Davina for a tissue and what not. She is a tanned fairy cake who is the embodiment of how porn is taking over the planet. The first thing she said upon entering the house: "I'M LOSING MY DRESS!" Why not; you have absolutely nothing else to offer.
Contestant 14 was picked "at random" from a spinny drum by Davina. I bet every ball in there said Mario Mugan. Mario, a 28-year-old unemployed, willingly let Big Brother dress him up as a mole in the hopes that none of the housemates would find out he was a mole. Well, he isn't a mole, he's a plant. Or something.
Right, that's me signing off. Unless, as I said, there is a murder. To be honest, I'm willing harm on most of them - bar Steve and Josie.
